Frustration often arises out of trying to control an uncontrollable circumstance.
I believe Cancer fits the bill completely.
When we look back at mom's journey with pancreatic cancer, all of our frustration, resentment and anger revolved around the vise of Cancer...utterly unchangeable, completely uncontrollable...
We were angry that Cancer was taking her from us one excruciating pound at a time.
We were angry that Cancer made her so miserably sick much of the time.
We were angry that the Cancer doctors didn't have a magic bullet to cure her.
We were more than angry that Cancer changed our happy "normal." It took our family dynamics and turned them on its ear. Mom had always been the Center, the Caregiver, the Moderator, the Head Chief and Loving Leader of our family. All of sudden, we became the Caregivers for this undeniably strong and competent woman. And we didn't do it very well at all at first...
We burned the soup.
We cried at all the wrong times.
We hovered and smothered. We blamed each other for mistakes.
We lived in denial. We slept with fear.
We were incompetent, frustrated, angry Caregivers... until Grace came calling.
Somewhere along the line, God began softening our hearts in His Gentle way and offering sweet insight into the things that matter most. I do believe that Time gave us Perspective. And while Cancer was still an utterly unchangeable, completely uncontrollable circumstance, we were able to come to a sort of peace with mom's ultimate prognosis. A veil lifted and we realized that we were wasting all our precious time crying over her approaching death, ranting and railing at the unfairness, and having major Meltdowns at every turn, rather than enjoying every last blasted minute we had with her.
That realization was really a gift of Grace and Mercy. Receiving God's Riches right in the middle of our horrendous nightmare.
We learned to distinguish between what is and what is not in our power to change.
We learned to ask for help.
We learned to value every hug.
We learned to give ourselves permission... to feel sad... to cry... to make mistakes.
We learned to take Grace Breaks.
We learned to say I love you... often.
We learned to cherish the victories... and to laugh at the still funny stories that plagued our family... it wasn't all gloom and doom!
We learned when to say Yes... to all the offers of help, prayer and wisdom.
We learned when to say No... to all the extra demands on our days when time with mom was drawing close.
We learned to appreciate Legacy Living.
And... We learned that under God's Gracious Hand our Anger could be molded into a something Better.
"I've refined you, but not without fire.
I've tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction."
Isaiah 48:10
Molded...Refined... in the furnace of affliction.
My Meltdowns formed into Moments of Pure Grace when released under the heat of Cancer's Blaze...
There is Hope...
When Things Just Can't Be Changed.
When We Find it Impossible to
Control the Uncontrollable.
Learning to Let God's Grace Mold My Meltdowns into Something Better...
No comments:
Post a Comment